Captain's Log, Day 46

Friday night WT spent the night with his cousin so that JP and I could go see Riddick. However, it wasn't playing in Athens.

My therapist is having me to list challenging me in the “control” department. (In the last marital counseling session, I learned that b/c I can't control myself, I try to control the outside.) But the problem is I can't control me. I've tried – several times – really hard, and I just can't do it. She (my therapist) says that have no control no control over the areas that I listed in my Irish journal. If I don't have control of something, what's the point?? This is an area that I'm not willing to give up. Not completely b/c people skills require compromise at times. I do that.

(Originally written 10/6/13)

Captain's Log, Day 45

Woke up around 0330 and couldn't go back to sleep until about 0600 and was up again at 0800. I've reached an “aha” moment – I'm not through with him. I still love him. I dreamed last night/this morning that Mom & I went to “the farm” to get some corn to eat for supper that night. He and his brother (whom I despise) were there harvesting it. I got out of the car, and he walked up to me and wanted to show me how much corn they'd already harvested. When we started walking away, Mom & the brother just vanished from the dream. He let me hold his hand. After showing me the harvested corn, he kissed me the way he always kissed me – hard & fast. That's when I woke up knowing that I'm not over him no matter how hard I've tried to convince myself that I am just so I can move on. So, now I've got this sense of I don't belong in either place – him or JP – but that my fate may be that I'm alone. *Mental fight: but if that were true, then why is JP bothering to let me touch him and do things for him? Letting me claim a room in my house that'll be all my own?*

(Originally written 09/30/13)