Woke up around 0330
and couldn't go back to sleep until about 0600 and was up again at
0800. I've reached an “aha” moment – I'm not through with him.
I still love him. I dreamed last night/this morning that Mom & I
went to “the farm” to get some corn to eat for supper that night.
He and his brother (whom I despise) were there harvesting it. I got
out of the car, and he walked up to me and wanted to show me how much
corn they'd already harvested. When we started walking away, Mom &
the brother just vanished from the dream. He let me hold his hand.
After showing me the harvested corn, he kissed me the way he always
kissed me – hard & fast. That's when I woke up knowing that I'm
not over him no matter how hard I've tried to convince myself that I
am just so I can move on. So, now I've got this sense of I don't
belong in either place – him or JP – but that my fate may be that
I'm alone. *Mental fight:
but if that were true, then why is JP bothering to let me touch him
and do things for him? Letting me claim a room in my house that'll be
all my own?*
(Originally written 09/30/13)
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