Captain's Log, Day 49

 JP told me that he believes I'm going manic b/c I'm getting very OCD on things. Of course, 2 cups of coffee kinda helps there. This morning – before any coffee – I rearranged the canned goods in the cabinets, putting like w/like. I just now finished refolding all the rags in the laundry room and reorganizing the top of the dryer. That was after my coffee. Both cups. Also, I've got chili on the stove – it's rather, um, chilly – and decided to try to make a blog post out of that. So, yeah, I think I'm a little manic b/c my creative juices are flowing.

Had a “perfect” day w/JP. Momma and Daddy took WT to the Gold Rush so it was just us two. He worked on WT's costume while I did laundry, cooked chili, and got my OCD on. Then we went to town. He held my hand in WalMart. *sigh* A little at a time.

(Originally written 10/19/13)

Captain's Log, Day 48

 Lucy's currently sitting on my back. The pressure feels nice. :)

I am so glad these 2 weeks are over at work!! If Debra wasn't a good boss, I wouldn't try to help her in the front. Babies are the only people I really wanna deal with. I was nearly in tears today b/c I didn't wanna be there – in fact, I wasn't on the schedule, but she needed me so... I'm no salesperson, but there is one thing I've discovered I'm good at doing – making free PT consultation appointments. So, that's my non-nursery job on Thursdays. (In other words, when I have no babies, I'm on the phone making those calls.)

Tuesday I talked to my therapist about coming off the Prozac since I was over the hard part – as an experiment. She said no b/c then my moods would wildly fluctuate. So, I refilled my prescription. I also forgot to pick it up Tuesday, which caused me to miss my dose on Wednesday. I could tell the difference. It's Friday, and I'm still feeling some of the effects – teary, “depressed” when I get to Momma's (though part of that, I think, is that she drinks. I hate it when she drinks – she gets more annoying than usual. I shut my door, but hell that don't matter sometimes!)

Tomorrow, Momma, Daddy, & WT are going to Dahlonega for the Gold Rush festival. I think WT will absolutely love it. I'm gonna love the “me time.”

(Originally written 10/18/13)

Captain's Log, Day 47

 Last night was another session of our marital counseling. Afterwards, we had a nice conversation about my therapy. We talked about – well, I did – how strong I am (he said that) and that I feel that giving up control of everything that's on my list (in the Irish journal) is to lose myself – despite all the other qualities I listed. I feel – and told him – that the word “control,” as in the way I'm meaning, is being taken wrong. When I say “control,” I'm talking about being in charge of the “design” - but not being a Hitler. Not a “my way or the highway,” though I'm sure that may be a part of the bipolar b/c I'm not that way all the time. We went through my list together and discussed what I can “let go.” We decided that the gardening would be a quasi-control and that the bill paying I can relinquish control of. The beekeeping is still up in the air.

Part of my therapy last week was to list ways that I can view JP's opinions as equal to mine. Nothing is listed b/c I don't see then as “unequal” or “less than.” Of course, my therapist is going to see something wrong w/that statement. I don't know how I view his opinions, exactly. I'm feeling misunderstood in this area so I don't wanna go further. That probably means I need to.

In other news, I haven't had an overwhelming sense of guilt lately. That's a good sign, I guess, that I'm starting to move on.

(Originally written 10/8/13)

Slacker!!

Yeah, so I've totally been slacking here! So prepare yourselves for a barrage of posts coming soon!!