Captain's Log, Day 47

 Last night was another session of our marital counseling. Afterwards, we had a nice conversation about my therapy. We talked about – well, I did – how strong I am (he said that) and that I feel that giving up control of everything that's on my list (in the Irish journal) is to lose myself – despite all the other qualities I listed. I feel – and told him – that the word “control,” as in the way I'm meaning, is being taken wrong. When I say “control,” I'm talking about being in charge of the “design” - but not being a Hitler. Not a “my way or the highway,” though I'm sure that may be a part of the bipolar b/c I'm not that way all the time. We went through my list together and discussed what I can “let go.” We decided that the gardening would be a quasi-control and that the bill paying I can relinquish control of. The beekeeping is still up in the air.

Part of my therapy last week was to list ways that I can view JP's opinions as equal to mine. Nothing is listed b/c I don't see then as “unequal” or “less than.” Of course, my therapist is going to see something wrong w/that statement. I don't know how I view his opinions, exactly. I'm feeling misunderstood in this area so I don't wanna go further. That probably means I need to.

In other news, I haven't had an overwhelming sense of guilt lately. That's a good sign, I guess, that I'm starting to move on.

(Originally written 10/8/13)