It's Real

I've really been slack on my writing - both in my journal and on here. Over the past several months, I've put too many irons in the fire it seems, and I'm having a hard time keeping up with them all. Like, one iron is having a pile of books that I want to read, most of which are borrowed. Another iron is having a new business to run..and not really seeing much success from it. And yet *another* iron is writing blogs for both personal and professional work.

And I'm drowning.

And I can't/don't want to give any of these irons up.

The question for December has been for me, "Am I enough?" My resounding answer has been "NO!" which has led to many, many days of depression as well as one instance of self harm which has led to the increase of my medicine which seems to be helping some. I actually woke up yesterday in a feeling much better and was productive - even if for just a couple of hours. Today's been the same way - I've gotten up, brushed my teeth, and tidied up the living room. However, the darkness still looms over me, ready to descend and devour my soul.

But I will be fine. I am a fighter. I will come out of this stronger than I was before.

Captain's Log, Day 49

 JP told me that he believes I'm going manic b/c I'm getting very OCD on things. Of course, 2 cups of coffee kinda helps there. This morning – before any coffee – I rearranged the canned goods in the cabinets, putting like w/like. I just now finished refolding all the rags in the laundry room and reorganizing the top of the dryer. That was after my coffee. Both cups. Also, I've got chili on the stove – it's rather, um, chilly – and decided to try to make a blog post out of that. So, yeah, I think I'm a little manic b/c my creative juices are flowing.

Had a “perfect” day w/JP. Momma and Daddy took WT to the Gold Rush so it was just us two. He worked on WT's costume while I did laundry, cooked chili, and got my OCD on. Then we went to town. He held my hand in WalMart. *sigh* A little at a time.

(Originally written 10/19/13)

Captain's Log, Day 48

 Lucy's currently sitting on my back. The pressure feels nice. :)

I am so glad these 2 weeks are over at work!! If Debra wasn't a good boss, I wouldn't try to help her in the front. Babies are the only people I really wanna deal with. I was nearly in tears today b/c I didn't wanna be there – in fact, I wasn't on the schedule, but she needed me so... I'm no salesperson, but there is one thing I've discovered I'm good at doing – making free PT consultation appointments. So, that's my non-nursery job on Thursdays. (In other words, when I have no babies, I'm on the phone making those calls.)

Tuesday I talked to my therapist about coming off the Prozac since I was over the hard part – as an experiment. She said no b/c then my moods would wildly fluctuate. So, I refilled my prescription. I also forgot to pick it up Tuesday, which caused me to miss my dose on Wednesday. I could tell the difference. It's Friday, and I'm still feeling some of the effects – teary, “depressed” when I get to Momma's (though part of that, I think, is that she drinks. I hate it when she drinks – she gets more annoying than usual. I shut my door, but hell that don't matter sometimes!)

Tomorrow, Momma, Daddy, & WT are going to Dahlonega for the Gold Rush festival. I think WT will absolutely love it. I'm gonna love the “me time.”

(Originally written 10/18/13)

Captain's Log, Day 47

 Last night was another session of our marital counseling. Afterwards, we had a nice conversation about my therapy. We talked about – well, I did – how strong I am (he said that) and that I feel that giving up control of everything that's on my list (in the Irish journal) is to lose myself – despite all the other qualities I listed. I feel – and told him – that the word “control,” as in the way I'm meaning, is being taken wrong. When I say “control,” I'm talking about being in charge of the “design” - but not being a Hitler. Not a “my way or the highway,” though I'm sure that may be a part of the bipolar b/c I'm not that way all the time. We went through my list together and discussed what I can “let go.” We decided that the gardening would be a quasi-control and that the bill paying I can relinquish control of. The beekeeping is still up in the air.

Part of my therapy last week was to list ways that I can view JP's opinions as equal to mine. Nothing is listed b/c I don't see then as “unequal” or “less than.” Of course, my therapist is going to see something wrong w/that statement. I don't know how I view his opinions, exactly. I'm feeling misunderstood in this area so I don't wanna go further. That probably means I need to.

In other news, I haven't had an overwhelming sense of guilt lately. That's a good sign, I guess, that I'm starting to move on.

(Originally written 10/8/13)

Slacker!!

Yeah, so I've totally been slacking here! So prepare yourselves for a barrage of posts coming soon!!

Captain's Log, Day 46

Friday night WT spent the night with his cousin so that JP and I could go see Riddick. However, it wasn't playing in Athens.

My therapist is having me to list challenging me in the “control” department. (In the last marital counseling session, I learned that b/c I can't control myself, I try to control the outside.) But the problem is I can't control me. I've tried – several times – really hard, and I just can't do it. She (my therapist) says that have no control no control over the areas that I listed in my Irish journal. If I don't have control of something, what's the point?? This is an area that I'm not willing to give up. Not completely b/c people skills require compromise at times. I do that.

(Originally written 10/6/13)

Captain's Log, Day 45

Woke up around 0330 and couldn't go back to sleep until about 0600 and was up again at 0800. I've reached an “aha” moment – I'm not through with him. I still love him. I dreamed last night/this morning that Mom & I went to “the farm” to get some corn to eat for supper that night. He and his brother (whom I despise) were there harvesting it. I got out of the car, and he walked up to me and wanted to show me how much corn they'd already harvested. When we started walking away, Mom & the brother just vanished from the dream. He let me hold his hand. After showing me the harvested corn, he kissed me the way he always kissed me – hard & fast. That's when I woke up knowing that I'm not over him no matter how hard I've tried to convince myself that I am just so I can move on. So, now I've got this sense of I don't belong in either place – him or JP – but that my fate may be that I'm alone. *Mental fight: but if that were true, then why is JP bothering to let me touch him and do things for him? Letting me claim a room in my house that'll be all my own?*

(Originally written 09/30/13)