Captain's Log, Day 17

So didn't wanna get up, but had to – WT was coming & had work, which went well. Had 6 kids (besides WT) – not at the same time.

Yesterday – and today – JP made me breakfast. So I had a biscuit in addition to my apple fritter. Either this evening – or tomorrow, one – I've got to go to the grocery store. **Remember: add some fruit for my breakfast routine.

2 servings mac-n-cheese w/extra cheese. (By now, Coke 0 is a given. If it's regular, I'll note that.)

Did open house at school today. Basically, it's “meet your teacher” kinda thing. Plus get info on school, register for bus, eat ice cream (WT's favorite part.) I get home (I had to put WT into time out – 5 min – b/c he was giving me attitude. Afterwords, I explained that he needs to know that saying “sorry” and trying to make it better doesn't always apply; that he needs to accept the consequences of his actions; and that I love him. We were cool after that), and Mom (after talking about WT) starts talking about me and how “sick” (not her words) I am. She says that she's scared of me. Says that JP's probably scared of me. When I'm “normal,” she says that I'm so sweet, but the next day she's glad Daddy's home. She was telling this to Aunt Robbie as well. I just want to be left alone – don't talk about me to anyone unless it's a doctor or SSA. I opened up the information packet and saw my name's not on the information paper (it's a blue census form.) MAJOR OUCH!! Starting to tank. *Insert a few minutes* Talked to JP about the blue paper, and he said it was a census confirmation. Meaning, he answered the census questionnaire truthfully. He also said that the other information – emergency contact, transportation – wasn't on there. Also asked JP if he was scared of me, like Momma said, ever. He said not “of me” but “for me.” He said that, yeah, I had a tendency to bully. But he was scared to tell me stuff (like the blue sheet thing) for fear that I'd start spiraling out of control. Talking about this actually made me fee a little bit better. He said that from now on, whenever we hold hands after a major discussion, we pray. I told him that he prays alone for now. He said that if all I said was “Amen” he'd be fine. During the prayer, he said something about me being stable., and I started smiling b/c of something I saw on the net: “Stable: a place where horses live.”

BBQ chicken (½, well ¼, grilled), slaw, baked beans, deviled eggs (only 2: Momma got a bit salt happy...which is saying a lot coming from me!), lemon pie.

I need to try to go to bed early tonight so I'll be up and ready to take WT to school tomorrow. *sniff* My baby's growing up! *sniff* (2200)

**lights out at 2245.

(Originally written 8/15/13)

Captain's Log, Day 16

Coffee, apple fritter. (I hear my therapist taking off her shoe here.)

Read the paper – by this time, both (gasp!) parents are up, and WT had been in my room once before I got up. Had a little snuggle time w/WT before getting in the shower. About halfway into my shower, I remembered Daddy's working on a water leak. Oops. I need to do laundry, but it can wait a little while longer. I plan to take WT to the library after my Pdoc appointment. I have AWANA training at church tonight. Plus Duck Dynasty's new season start tonight – super excited!

On the way to my Pdoc appointment, I get a text from Brother saying that he's coming home sometime this afternoon. I'm happy about that. :)

Blackeyes, cornbread, CF Coke 0

Pdoc put me on Prozac 20mg (10 mg for 7 days.) I so hope it'll help. While at Ingles, I picked up 3 more cases of CF Coke 0 (still on sale.)

Took WT to the library. We stayed there for about 4 hours. Came home and ate chicken patties and mac-n-cheese. Well, he ate mac-n-cheese. Then headed off to church. All 3 rode together – kinda like old ties. The boys went to youth group, and I went to AWANA training. After the training, I started cleaning out old Cubbies curriculum to make room for the new. While I did that, JP went to bag another cache. WT was sound asleep on the couch in the youth room. I mean, dead to the world. So not like him – I think he's hitting a growth spurt. Just as I was finishing up, JP show back up. Perfect timing.

I got to watch Duck Dynasty. I was wondering how they'd write Alan in. Now I know. Phil and Kay never had a “real” wedding, so the kids planned one for their 48^th anniversary. Alan officiated, since he's the minister, and Si was the best man. I nearly started crying. * happy sigh * (2343)

** 0000 by time lights went out – I was reading Prozac information **

(Originally written 8/14/13)

Captain's Log, Day 15

 I gathered the trash – basically changed the bag in the kitchen – and put it at the end of the drive so JP could take it to work. (Since he doesn't hafta drop WT off, he can sleep “late.”) So now I'm sitting in Daddy's chair with a cup of coffee, have the paper in my lap, and listening to channel 936. I've yet to go to the gym this week. Maybe I can this evening. My back and backside are doing my favorite thing – peeling. Sucks, though, because it's a place I can't see/reach too well. * sigh * Oh well.

2 Choc Oatmeal cookies – yummy and fudgy! :)

Took a nap for about an hour. My mood's been OK because my mind's been occupied.

BBQ thigh, cream corn, 2 big helping peas w/snaps (w/chow chow), 3 pieces cornbread.

Caffeine-free Coke 0 doesn't taste the same, but it's close enough that I could make the switch.

On the way to the therapist, I thought about texting the uncle – just a quick “Hey.” Good memories (from the beginning) have started. Doing my best to push them out and not give them any emotional attachment. I don't know if he can will completely die because he's still family. To JP, he's dead – which is understandable. But for me, family is everything....except for a few people.

BBQ chicken, cream corn, choc oatmeal cookies, CF Coke 0, ½ apple fritter. (I adore COC's! That's why I don't make them often.)

After therapy, I went by my Pdoc's office and moved my appointment to tomorrow morning. Momma thinks I should try again for disability. I'll try to remember to ask about that tomorrow at Pdoc appointment. (2330)

(Originally written 08/13/2013)

Captain's Log, Day 14

 2 coffee cups of yogurt & granola. Now having coffee.

Kept reading the bipolar book. I'm in the chapter about the role of the family. I'm scanning/copying that into the computer so I can give JP a copy of it. The next thing I'm going to copy/scan is the Resources section. I know there will definitely be stuff I can use.

Meatloaf, boxed taters, green beans, Coke 0

I've been thinking a little. If JP's not trying (or so it seems) to “fix” him, then why should I try to “fix” me? It seems hopeless. WT. He's why.

I maybe had a small victory last night – I recognized I was being impulsive. I could use a new phone – and I have the money to get it off Ebay. Then create a geocache profile just to create different caches, not to find (but if I do, go me!) Then thinking of doing an independent mission trip to Guyana. (Years ago, before WT was born, JP and I talked extensively about becoming missionaries in a foreign country.) * Those weren't in any particular order * On the phone thing, I went so far as JP putting in his debit card number before I was like “Hold it. I don't think I have the money after all.” He feels that he isn't obligated to provide gas, etc, even though I'm still his wife and under his care by default. He then brought up how I managed without him, I said “Ed.” Now, I did work for that money – he didn't just “give” it to me; that wasn't his job – but I did have use of his personal credit card (I didn't tell JP that part) which he considered as part of my salary. So, my question is “Why? Why doesn't he feel/see that I'm still his responsibility?” Yes, I got a job, but only to shut him and my parents up. I don't want to be there. I'd rather die. If they (the employer) knew how fucked up I am, they wouldn't hire me – despite the disability laws. I'm too much of a liability.

2 Coke 0, hot dogs, baked tater (sour cream, margarine (yuck!), cheese, garlic salt)

I went to Ingles – got Brother some dog food for Rocko, 2 Rx for Mom, and put gas in Mom's car. While there, I got 3 more cases of Coke 0 (3/$9.99). I did get one of them caffeine-free. I thought I'd see if the flavor was the same – or close enough. So far, the jury's still out.

We watched the show CMA Rocks. WT spent the night, and we made chocolate oatmeal cookies (aka no bake cookies). He had a blast. During the commercials, we (me, Momma, and Daddy) had to help him fight the giants. The first time, I had him tuned out halfway – like I knew he was talking and counting, but I didn't know what he was talking about. Anyhoo, when he counted “5,” Momma made such a ruckus that I nearly jumped off the sofa to the other end! Daddy was like “Where are you going?” We all had a good laugh about that. (0015)

(Originally written 08/12/2013)

Captain's Log, Day 13

 Had yogurt & granola and a cup of coffee

I keep apologizing, not so much that I want his forgiveness – he says he's already done that – but that somehow it'll make this better. Not make it go away, but make it better. The Bible talks about divorce and adultery. But what about those of us who are crazy? Who have something that makes us do things that we never would have done normally? * sigh * I'm getting tired of feeling so sad. I want to feel better – to have a day that I don't hafta walk on eggshells – or make others walk on eggshells around me.

Went to Victoria Bryant State Park with the boys before the baptism to get a couple of geocaches. We didn't make it out of the parking lot before I was thinking it was a mistake – how I should've just stayed home. We all rode in my car, so I didn't get back to Mom's till 2300. Had a piece of meatloaf and some mashed taters then. (Zaxby's, Coke 0, lunch) Daddy was watching a movie on INSP – I don't know the name of it. So it was well after midnight when I went to bed (0030 - ?)

(Originally written 08/11/2013)

Captain's Log, Day 12

 It's 0000, and I'm still awake. I worked in my DBT book some an the confusion set in again. I stopped and started playing solitaire on my computer (0030). Woke up for a little bit at 0400. Went back to sleep after about 5 minutes. WT woke me up at 0730. We snuggled for a bit. Then we got dressed, ate breakfast at the Waffle House, and now we're at the library. The class-thing at the Nature Center is at 1430. I want to take WT, but we'll see if he'll go.

Today is JP's birthday. Momma and Daddy are taking him and WT to Captain D's. I've been invited to go, but I don't think I will because I'm afraid it'll hurt him for me to be there. I'll give him a card or something to acknowledge today.

I think I need to see my psychiatrist sooner – my appointment's in a couple of weeks – because it seems my depression is getting pretty bad. Currently I'm not on any antidepressants. My biggest reason for living and trying is sitting at the computer right beside me – my baby. I just hope and pray that he doesn't develop this “monster.”

I wound up going to Captain D's. I talked to JP, and he wanted me to go. I got the card that said exactly how I feel right now. After that, I had a hard time going. I'm still kinda struggling with it. I enjoyed getting to talk without “talking.” In other words, we didn't talk “us.” Now I'm watching Cars with WT.

Oh, had salad and Coke 0 for lunch and Diet Coke with supper.

After the movie, I read more in the bipolar book. I got to the part about BP in kids and ADHD. WT's gonna have ADD, most definitely – his preK teacher suggested testing. (Gonna wait for the school system.) I can't help but think, “My poor baby” because he'll most likely have both. Also going through my mind is “I killed him when he was born” because of this thing. Thought about killing him & then me so we wouldn't have to deal with it – plus we're dying anyway. Next thought was JP – how devastated he'd be. (2230)

(Originally written 08/10/2013)

On the Right Road

I decided that my journey needed to have it's own place. To read my earlier posts, go here.