Captain's Log, Day 14

 2 coffee cups of yogurt & granola. Now having coffee.

Kept reading the bipolar book. I'm in the chapter about the role of the family. I'm scanning/copying that into the computer so I can give JP a copy of it. The next thing I'm going to copy/scan is the Resources section. I know there will definitely be stuff I can use.

Meatloaf, boxed taters, green beans, Coke 0

I've been thinking a little. If JP's not trying (or so it seems) to “fix” him, then why should I try to “fix” me? It seems hopeless. WT. He's why.

I maybe had a small victory last night – I recognized I was being impulsive. I could use a new phone – and I have the money to get it off Ebay. Then create a geocache profile just to create different caches, not to find (but if I do, go me!) Then thinking of doing an independent mission trip to Guyana. (Years ago, before WT was born, JP and I talked extensively about becoming missionaries in a foreign country.) * Those weren't in any particular order * On the phone thing, I went so far as JP putting in his debit card number before I was like “Hold it. I don't think I have the money after all.” He feels that he isn't obligated to provide gas, etc, even though I'm still his wife and under his care by default. He then brought up how I managed without him, I said “Ed.” Now, I did work for that money – he didn't just “give” it to me; that wasn't his job – but I did have use of his personal credit card (I didn't tell JP that part) which he considered as part of my salary. So, my question is “Why? Why doesn't he feel/see that I'm still his responsibility?” Yes, I got a job, but only to shut him and my parents up. I don't want to be there. I'd rather die. If they (the employer) knew how fucked up I am, they wouldn't hire me – despite the disability laws. I'm too much of a liability.

2 Coke 0, hot dogs, baked tater (sour cream, margarine (yuck!), cheese, garlic salt)

I went to Ingles – got Brother some dog food for Rocko, 2 Rx for Mom, and put gas in Mom's car. While there, I got 3 more cases of Coke 0 (3/$9.99). I did get one of them caffeine-free. I thought I'd see if the flavor was the same – or close enough. So far, the jury's still out.

We watched the show CMA Rocks. WT spent the night, and we made chocolate oatmeal cookies (aka no bake cookies). He had a blast. During the commercials, we (me, Momma, and Daddy) had to help him fight the giants. The first time, I had him tuned out halfway – like I knew he was talking and counting, but I didn't know what he was talking about. Anyhoo, when he counted “5,” Momma made such a ruckus that I nearly jumped off the sofa to the other end! Daddy was like “Where are you going?” We all had a good laugh about that. (0015)

(Originally written 08/12/2013)