It's 0000, and I'm still awake. I worked in my DBT book some an the
confusion set in again. I stopped and started playing solitaire on my
computer (0030). Woke up for a little bit at 0400. Went back to sleep
after about 5 minutes. WT woke me up at 0730. We snuggled for a bit.
Then we got dressed, ate breakfast at the Waffle House, and now we're
at the library. The class-thing at the Nature Center is at 1430. I
want to take WT, but we'll see if he'll go.
Today is JP's birthday. Momma and Daddy are taking him and WT to
Captain D's. I've been invited to go, but I don't think I will
because I'm afraid it'll hurt him for me to be there. I'll give him a
card or something to acknowledge today.
I think I need to see my psychiatrist sooner – my appointment's in
a couple of weeks – because it seems my depression is getting
pretty bad. Currently I'm not on any antidepressants. My biggest
reason for living and trying is sitting at the computer right beside
me – my baby. I just hope and pray that he doesn't develop this
“monster.”
I wound up going to Captain D's. I talked to JP, and he wanted me to
go. I got the card that said exactly how I feel right now. After
that, I had a hard time going. I'm still kinda struggling with it. I
enjoyed getting to talk without “talking.” In other words, we
didn't talk “us.” Now I'm watching Cars with WT.
Oh, had salad and Coke 0 for lunch and Diet Coke with supper.
After the movie, I read more in the bipolar book. I got to the part
about BP in kids and ADHD. WT's gonna have ADD, most definitely –
his preK teacher suggested testing. (Gonna wait for the school
system.) I can't help but think, “My poor baby” because he'll
most likely have both. Also going through my mind is “I killed him
when he was born” because of this thing. Thought about killing him
& then me so we wouldn't have to deal with it – plus we're
dying anyway. Next thought was JP – how devastated he'd be. (2230)
(Originally written 08/10/2013)
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