Captain's Log, Day 49

 JP told me that he believes I'm going manic b/c I'm getting very OCD on things. Of course, 2 cups of coffee kinda helps there. This morning – before any coffee – I rearranged the canned goods in the cabinets, putting like w/like. I just now finished refolding all the rags in the laundry room and reorganizing the top of the dryer. That was after my coffee. Both cups. Also, I've got chili on the stove – it's rather, um, chilly – and decided to try to make a blog post out of that. So, yeah, I think I'm a little manic b/c my creative juices are flowing.

Had a “perfect” day w/JP. Momma and Daddy took WT to the Gold Rush so it was just us two. He worked on WT's costume while I did laundry, cooked chili, and got my OCD on. Then we went to town. He held my hand in WalMart. *sigh* A little at a time.

(Originally written 10/19/13)

Captain's Log, Day 48

 Lucy's currently sitting on my back. The pressure feels nice. :)

I am so glad these 2 weeks are over at work!! If Debra wasn't a good boss, I wouldn't try to help her in the front. Babies are the only people I really wanna deal with. I was nearly in tears today b/c I didn't wanna be there – in fact, I wasn't on the schedule, but she needed me so... I'm no salesperson, but there is one thing I've discovered I'm good at doing – making free PT consultation appointments. So, that's my non-nursery job on Thursdays. (In other words, when I have no babies, I'm on the phone making those calls.)

Tuesday I talked to my therapist about coming off the Prozac since I was over the hard part – as an experiment. She said no b/c then my moods would wildly fluctuate. So, I refilled my prescription. I also forgot to pick it up Tuesday, which caused me to miss my dose on Wednesday. I could tell the difference. It's Friday, and I'm still feeling some of the effects – teary, “depressed” when I get to Momma's (though part of that, I think, is that she drinks. I hate it when she drinks – she gets more annoying than usual. I shut my door, but hell that don't matter sometimes!)

Tomorrow, Momma, Daddy, & WT are going to Dahlonega for the Gold Rush festival. I think WT will absolutely love it. I'm gonna love the “me time.”

(Originally written 10/18/13)

Captain's Log, Day 47

 Last night was another session of our marital counseling. Afterwards, we had a nice conversation about my therapy. We talked about – well, I did – how strong I am (he said that) and that I feel that giving up control of everything that's on my list (in the Irish journal) is to lose myself – despite all the other qualities I listed. I feel – and told him – that the word “control,” as in the way I'm meaning, is being taken wrong. When I say “control,” I'm talking about being in charge of the “design” - but not being a Hitler. Not a “my way or the highway,” though I'm sure that may be a part of the bipolar b/c I'm not that way all the time. We went through my list together and discussed what I can “let go.” We decided that the gardening would be a quasi-control and that the bill paying I can relinquish control of. The beekeeping is still up in the air.

Part of my therapy last week was to list ways that I can view JP's opinions as equal to mine. Nothing is listed b/c I don't see then as “unequal” or “less than.” Of course, my therapist is going to see something wrong w/that statement. I don't know how I view his opinions, exactly. I'm feeling misunderstood in this area so I don't wanna go further. That probably means I need to.

In other news, I haven't had an overwhelming sense of guilt lately. That's a good sign, I guess, that I'm starting to move on.

(Originally written 10/8/13)

Slacker!!

Yeah, so I've totally been slacking here! So prepare yourselves for a barrage of posts coming soon!!

Captain's Log, Day 46

Friday night WT spent the night with his cousin so that JP and I could go see Riddick. However, it wasn't playing in Athens.

My therapist is having me to list challenging me in the “control” department. (In the last marital counseling session, I learned that b/c I can't control myself, I try to control the outside.) But the problem is I can't control me. I've tried – several times – really hard, and I just can't do it. She (my therapist) says that have no control no control over the areas that I listed in my Irish journal. If I don't have control of something, what's the point?? This is an area that I'm not willing to give up. Not completely b/c people skills require compromise at times. I do that.

(Originally written 10/6/13)

Captain's Log, Day 45

Woke up around 0330 and couldn't go back to sleep until about 0600 and was up again at 0800. I've reached an “aha” moment – I'm not through with him. I still love him. I dreamed last night/this morning that Mom & I went to “the farm” to get some corn to eat for supper that night. He and his brother (whom I despise) were there harvesting it. I got out of the car, and he walked up to me and wanted to show me how much corn they'd already harvested. When we started walking away, Mom & the brother just vanished from the dream. He let me hold his hand. After showing me the harvested corn, he kissed me the way he always kissed me – hard & fast. That's when I woke up knowing that I'm not over him no matter how hard I've tried to convince myself that I am just so I can move on. So, now I've got this sense of I don't belong in either place – him or JP – but that my fate may be that I'm alone. *Mental fight: but if that were true, then why is JP bothering to let me touch him and do things for him? Letting me claim a room in my house that'll be all my own?*

(Originally written 09/30/13)

Captain's Log, Day 43

I'm breaking my limited caffeine rule today. Got a lot to accomplish – mainly updating my blog.

Had a session w/a trainer at the gym this morning. Holy crap! Tomorrow I'm gonna be sore! Today my legs are tired. I'm almost ready to sign up for training sessions. Next month (November) I should be able to. :) Merry early Christmas to me! :)

(Originally written 09/27/13)

Captain's Log, Day 42

I've not been sleeping well the past few days. Even though I'd be out by 2230 (latest) and not be up til 0900 (latest), I wasn't rested. I'd wake up 2 – 3 times during the night. Maybe tonight will be different.

After lunch, I went to MIL's w/JP and WT. I really didn't wanna go, but I wanted to spend some time w/JP. Got home after 1900. JP texted me after WT'd gone to bed that if I wanted to come up I could. We watched the Hunger Games movie. We also talked cake for WT's party – in February! :)

Tomorrow's our next therapy appointment. Today he let me touch and hug him more. It seems to be going a little bit faster – this rebuilding. I don't feel like I'm being put on hold. We discussed grass cutting today, and he expressed his wish to get a couple of old customers. I told him that as long as he scheduled them the same week as Momma's he could pick them back up – especially now that he's got a bigger mower so it won't take as long per yard.

(Originally written 09/22/13)

Captain's Log, Day 41

I so don't want to be here at therapy. I'm going through the affair, which is making life suck right now.

I told JP the other day, when he asked, that when I walked away from him (the other guy) I walked away from my dreams. JP asked me what those dreams are, and I told him – a farm w/cows, pigs, big garden, chickens, a farm house w/both a gas stove and a wood cook stove and a summer kitchen. He told me yesterday that it bothered him a little that he wasn't part of my dreams. I told him that he was there, even though I didn't mention him. Come to think of it, I didn't mention WT either. But he's there, too. They're a given. Of course, I didn't get to finish telling him b/c my bladder called and he didn't pick it back up.

Here I was, thinking I was doing so good to handle it my way – to not talk or think about it....almost pretend it didn't happen. I got used to doing that.

So I get to the therapy appointment and am hanging out on the porch waiting for my turn. Daddy asked me before I left what time my appointment is, and I said 1100. So, anyway, I'm sitting there, thinking that she's running unusually late – that the person before me has some major issues today and needed longer. A couple of minutes later, I decided to confirm my time by looking on my calendar. I'm only 1 ½ hrs early!! So, I left and got some lunch at Zaxby's.

Brother stayed at Momma's last night after his surgery. It was like every 20 – 30 minutes he had to go potty. By this time, I've changed into my night gown and was surfing the web on my laptop in my room. Every time he'd come back to potty, he'd harass me. I finally started calling him “Crotchety Old Man.” Anyway, this morning he gets a cup of coffee – using Momma's cup that she used for hot tea last night – ad declares it tastes funny. I took a sip and recognized Momma's tea flavor. So, trying to be the helpful big sissy, I get his cup from last night and pour a cup of coffee. After I set it on the end table, he looks at it and says “What the hell is this?” It was a tea bag! I guess he'd put that there when he got Momma's cup. Oh, well. We had a good chuckle. After he finished his coffee, he was ready to go home so I drove him and walked back.

Overall, yesterday was a pretty good day. I guess b/c I had other things on my mind – Brother w/his surgery, the gym, reading, watching tv, WT, PTO. Speaking of PTO...it's so not what I was thinking. When I was in school, ours were parent-teacher conferences. This is parents and teachers coming together to talk about raising funds for the school.

Slowly but surely I'm updating my blog. I'd gotten lazy about posting, so I've got a lot of work to do. Today I need to email my list of Cubbies supplies to the church secretary.

(Originally written 09/17/13)

Captain's Log, Day 40

I can't do this. Not alone. I have nobody to...to what? Help me? Comfort me? Tell me it's going to be OK? To breathe? I miss him, you know. He embodies what I want – what is Daddy. God this hurts. This is super hard!! I just don't think I can do it. I want so badly to just curl up into a ball and hide inside myself – and never come out. I want so badly to give up. I'm tired of fighting this pain so that I don't fully give into it...b/c I'm afraid what might/will happen if I do fully give into it.

(Originally written 09/15/13)

Captain's Log, Day 39

Ever since Brother's accident, I've not been sleeping very well – despite being tired. Like it'd be 2200 – 2300 before lights go out and then up 0330 when I wake up for a bit. Yesterday I was awake at 0430 and couldn't go back to sleep, even though I tried!

I wish the memories would stop coming. Every time I have one, I feel this enormous amount of guilt for what I've done. So much pain,

(Originally written 09/14/13)

Captain's Log, Day 38

Last night I was watching videos on the laptop when Momma comes back and tells me that Brother'd had an accident on the ball field – blew out his knee – and was on the way to the ER. So, being the big sis I am, I stayed up w/Momma til Brother and Daddy came home – which was 0130. He stayed here about 45 minutes to eat and visit. Of course, I had ½ a cup of coffee so it took me a little bit to go to sleep. Then I'm up about 0630.

(Originally written 09/11/13)

Captain's Log, Day 37

I didn't sleep very well last night.. I fell asleep around 1930 and woke up about 0006. I had a hard time going back to sleep – it was about 0130 before I went back to sleep. Saturday, outta nowhere, comes this memory – and not a nice one at that. It was an argument that I had w/the “other man.” I had said “Shoot me. Just shoot me.” He then said, “No. You're not worth the jail time.” (Now that I think about it, he could've said that it wasn't worth the jail time.) So, start the whole “Am I worth it?” again. And just when I started to think that I was worth it. I just want it to stop. I'm getting so tired of fighting this. *sigh*

(Originally written 09/10/13)

Captain's Log, Day 36

I had to work today – subbing for someone. So didn't wanna get up!!!

JP's letting me wash his clothes from the camping trip. That's one less thing he has to worry about. Maybe he'll eventually let me up there to “play house” - clean, wash clothes, cook supper. We'll see. If that happens, I'll be feeling a bit better b/c then I'll be one step further to going back home.

I wonder if bipolar and introvert go hand-in-hand...like are bipolar folks more prone to be introverts? I wonder if I've always been an introvert? Am I so “extreme” that I'd rather not spend time w/my own family? But I've no problem hanging out w/Daddy's brothers & sisters and Nanny. What's the difference?

(Originally written 09/03/13)

Captain's Log, Day 35

Today was going home day. Boy am I tired! After breakfast, a group of us met and had a “Drama Closing” where we talk about how well (or not) the drama went and how it could improve.

When I got home, I started laundry and unpacking. I'm thankful for the solitude of my room and the internet.

(Originally written 09/02/13)

Captain's Log, Day 34

This morning's worship service was really good. Everyone who gave a testimony – almost – talked about unity – how that we (as a drama family) come together and just love on each other despite our different denominations (Bapti-Metho-Costals) and our different personalities and whether we're “normal” or not. One person read the lyrics of a song that said – or all I heard was “I belong.” “I am worthy.” That really got to me – spoke to me.

After lunch, I got the opportunity to really talk to Ms. Carole about my idea and desire to start a Christian-based support group for peeps who either have bipolar or are a caretaker of a person with bipolar, and about my most recent experiences and how I'm feeling right now (overwhelming guilt for what I've done.)

This year, a new part was added to my existing part. Last night I wasn't exactly sure how to play it. Today Carole told me that I should be more aggressive to get to Jesus since I was desperate – Jesus was my last hope for healing. So I stepped up my game on that tonight. OH. MY. WORD. Such a powerful thought of being “clean”! It was so overwhelming that I started to cry.

Tomorrow a bunch of us are headed up to the Waffle House and then to Ms. Carole's place to hang out, sing, whatever. As introverted as I've recently discovered myself to be, I'm really looking forward to it.

One final thought – Ms. Jan asked me to help w/the Drama Facebook page. That I know I can do.

Oh, another final thought – right before the drama, there were storm clouds coming to us. They then kinda split and went around us. As they did, a rainbow appeared. Then later (JP told me) that doves were flying around near the crosses/tomb/ascension areas.

(Originally written 09/01/13)

Captain's Log, Day 33

Not much to say this morning. Making coffee using a percolater. Fun! Not! I don't think I'll ever get the hang of it. I think JP's gonna make eggs for breakfast. I got some yogurt last night at Walmart, so I'll have that as well. I'm gonna miss the granola part, but that's OK. Oikos is pretty good, but it's not what I like. I get mine at Earth Fare. Found a regular coffee pot in the camper! Glorious day!

The drama went well. I have a new part – added to my current part – I'm the woman with the issue of blood. Afterwards was the fellowship. I'd forgotten to pack WT a “church” shirt, so *back* to Walmart. Got him a Spiderman wrap-around design.

On the way to the Victory Home for fellowship, WT kept talking about seeing “Jesus” floating in the air. And how he didn't like it b/c Jesus died. And how he came back to life. It was all just so cool and magical to him.

(Originally written 08/31/13)

Captain's Log, Day 31

I woke up once around 0300 and then again at 0518. It took me a few minutes to go back to sleep each time, so I didn't feel very rested.

Today I went to work. I had 3 total children – one was a baby! :) *sigh* I may get my baby fix.....nah. After work I met my Avon lady at Arby's so I could get Nanny's ring that had been exchanged.

I met JP at McDonald's in Franklin Springs. (He's camping at the drama field.) Today was our first counseling session. It went well...until the unfaithfulness part was brought up. That's when I started crying. I'd teared up a couple of times before then – especially when it came to talking about Daddy. Now I've 2 questions/statements rolling around in my head: (1) am I worth it? (2) this is my fault. I really don't want to process the whole affair. I really, really don't. I just wanna go on – talk about everything else. Too much guilt/pain.

(Originally written 08/29/13)

Captain's Log, Day 30

Today I'm going to visit another aunt and uncle.

I had a good visit. Ate soup and had sweet tea.

Tonight was the kick off night for AWANA. Instead of being in the sanctuary for opening ceremony, we're starting upstairs in the classroom, which is perfect b/c that means I can follow the curriculum more closely. I think I may ask parents to save personal conversations for after dismissal b/c it gets so crowded up there. That would include me.

(Originally written 08/28/13)

Captain's Log, Day 29

Went to visit my aunt, uncle, and baby cousin. :) Had a great visit.

I'm still struggling with the whole “Am I worth it?” Just when I start thinking I am, I get a setback. I mean, if I am worth it, then why doesn't JP show me? Why does he put me down the list? Like he told me he was going to the Academy, but by 1930 he wasn't here. (He was to bring WT some clothes and lunch supplies – drink box – and some money for me.) So I called him, and he said he was on his way to his mom's. Doesn't bother to call (try the cell and then the house). Instead he texted me, knowing my battery was dead (b/c I told him.) When he does finally get here, he doesn't make an effort to see me – I'm in my room. If I'm worth it, why doesn't he make more of an effort??

(Originally written 08/27/13)

Captain's Log, Day 28

Momma assumed I was going to Walmart with her. Upset me, but didn't say anything. I miss being alone.

I was able to tell Momma about the whole “I feel like you're lazy and like a maid” without blowing (1) blowing up and (2) insulting her. Very proud of myself. Then she started talking about me and JP, which upset me, so I walked away.

(Originally written 08/26/13)

Captain's Log, Day 27

...and up again about 0700. Shower and back to bed til WT came in. We snuggled and played before getting ready for church,

Holy Crap!! Too much caffeine! I was so totally wired during the 2^nd service! Came home to start laundry and discovered Momma hadn't finished hers. Pissed me off b/c I feel like a maid again. Deal's off. She needs to do some fucking thing around here besides sit on her fat ass, drink, and watch tv. But don't let me on the computer. Hell no! Whatevs. I called JP and vented. Feel better now. I may can say something to Momma and not blow up.

(Originally written 08/25/13)

Captain's Log, Day 26

Had a birthday party to attend. I so didn't want to - not even when I RSVP'd. But I made myself do it. He had a wonderful time. After the party, Momma took him swimming next door.

This constant yawning is most annoying!!

I fell asleep watching a Youtube video. I woke up around 2300. I got up, ate the last of the hotdogs and watched tv ttil 0300. Then back to bed.

(Originally written 08/24/13)

Captain's Log, Day 25

Overslept just a tad – not so bad that WT missed the bus. He even got to watch a few minutes of cartoons.

This afternoon I'm getting the internet here at Momma's. Total gas saver!!

WT and I made Reese cookies – chocolate cookies w/Reese chips.

(Originally written 08/23/13)

Captain's Log, Day 24

Went to work. I only had 3 kids today. Also, b/c I didn't have WT, I could actually do the rest of my duties – clean. Wasn't too bad.

Tonight is the Fester/Levi show. It starts at 1930, which isn't long from now. JP said he'd go, but the deck on the mower was bent, and he needed to fix that. I'm trying to relax about it b/c I don't hafta be there right at 1930. If he does go, WT spends the night, and I'll hafta be sure he makes the bus in the morning. No biggie. Tomorrow night, we're gonna make chocolate chip cookies, so I'd best get some ingredients! :)

JP did show up. We missed Fester's set, but got to enjoy the rest. We left about 2100 – after Levi's first set. After the show, we bagged a quick cache.

(Originally written 08/22/13)

Captain's Log, Day 23

Stayed up late watching my favorite movie – Gone with the Wind.

Today was a lazy bones day. The only things I did “productive” before WT got home were my laundry and wash dishes (b/c Momma asked.) The rest I watched tv. When WT got home, homework.

Tonight was registration/ice cream social at AWANA. I had about 10 kids. All hyped up on ice cream! :) There are a couple who may take a bit to adjust, but I think they'll be fine. We played a “name game” like “hot potato” - instead of being out, the kid said his/her name. I'm really excited about this year. (Ask me again in January!)

Had to talk to WT about bus behavior this afternoon – how he was to stay in his seat and not play and to listen to the bus driver. I told JP about it ad that if it happened again tomorrow WT would lose cartoons for the afternoon.

(Originally written 08/21/13)

Captain's Log, Day 22

My plan for today is therapy, gym, library (maybe.)

Upset b/c JP let WT miss the bus this morning. *breathe* It's not that got put out, but WT was very disappointed about missing the bus.

I didn't go to the gym, but I did make it to the library.

After JP came to pick up WT, he talked about bagging another cache before cutting grass. I decided to go with him. After that, I helped cut grass – I mowed, and he weed-eated. It was cut short b/c I managed to bend the deck by hitting the high side of some dirt. JP said the deck bends too easily. I'm trying to convince him to get a riding zero turn. Then I can really cut some grass!!

(Originally written 08/20/13)

Captain's Log, Day 21

Sitting on the swing, waiting til about school bus time. I wanna be sure the driver remembers where to pick WT up in the mornings. (Wound up taking him to school.)

Today, I plan to spend time w/my aunt and cousin. My cousin's wanting a desk for her son. Then we're going to “steal” my baby cousin. Judging by the pictures, he's definitely a Sloan! For whatever reason, I haven't been by to visit, so I've yet to hold him.

Had a good time. I got to hold the baby for, like, ever. * sigh* I didn't want to give him up to leave. Oh well. :) We went to a couple of Goodwill stores – no luck – and then had lunch at the Olive Garden. Unlimited soup and salad, please!! I got home in plenty of time to meet the bus.

After supper, WT, JP, and I went to bag a cache for the day. All 3 of us found it. Later, at home, when JP logged it, he texted me that it was cache #143...our special code for “I love you.”

Talked to the bus driver this afternoon to see what time he comes by the house – 0730. WT's his last stop.

(Originally written 08/19/13)

Captain's Log, Day 20

Went to get the paper, and it wasn't there, so just having coffee w/creamer.

My front side's a little toasty this go 'round. I may back in for 5 min if the weather doesn't improve.

Feeling pretty good this morning. Actually excited – I got my new curriculum for Cubbies. I so wanna start looking at it right now, but I should pay attention – even if kinda half-heartedly - to the sermon. I took communion for the first time in months. I think the healing process can begin spiritually.

Came home, ate 2 bowls of chili, and the rest of the lemon pie. I think I've had 4 reg Coke 0's this afternoon. I had one this morning at church. I was hungry about 0915 and asked JP to bring me a snack – which he did: honey roasted p-nuts w/goldfish (those were WT's idea b/c “p-nuts weren't enough.”) Anyhoo, dozed off watching the “snooze race.” After about 130 laps, I quit watching. So I worked on Cubbies stuff. I think I'm really going to like it. I kinda wish that I was able to go to the AWANA workshops, but, honestly, I have a lot of ideas already. So, it's OK. Tummy just grumbled – gotta eat I guess. :)

(Originally written 08/18/13)

Captain's Log, Day 19

Got up and did my morning routine: coffee (w/creamer – I got some the other day) – this time 2 cups – read the paper. Also, I rewashed (then dried, folded, put away) my clothes I left in the washer last night. Also, during this wonderful peaceful quiet (not even Channel 936), I looked through the AVON book that came with Nanny's order. So, then I decided to take a shower. I could hear Momma getting up. * sigh* I knew what was next. Anyhoo, after my shower, I cleaned the bathroom – except the floors. For some reason, I don't want to clean when they're here. Guess it's just that way b/c if JP & WT are home, I don't wanna clean...b/c they track it faster than I can clean it. But here, there's no one to track it except me. So, while I'm cleaning, I hear the tv. POOF! I feel irritated. I remember saying something a few days ago – maybe last week? - about how I'm looking for something to do, & Daddy says that I could always clean the house. (Not his words, but that's the meaning.) I clammed up b/c it ain't my house to clean! I try to keep my messes cleaned up and to a minimum, but fuck! I shouldn't hafta clean a house that Momma's perfectly capable of cleaning. God forbid that I watch hours of tv – if I watch at all, and then it's 4 hrs of what I want (Food Network). *In the grand scheme of things, what does this matter?? Deep breath.* I do have some organizing to do before I head out to the library, grocery store, & gym. I've yet to eat. I am a little hungry, but not really in the mood to cook anything – really missing my yogurt & granola – though I should cook my bacon before it goes bad. I may do another wrap and drink milk.

I feel like I'm getting lazy b/c I have a tv. (I guess I'd be the same w/net, but I can control that vs the tv b/c I'd be the only one using it.) I volunteered to work AWANA again this year – Cubbies Director. I really do enjoy it. It's a lot of work, but if I can stay on top of it this year I think I'll be ok. At first, I wasn't gonna volunteer, but one of my kids from last year convinced me otherwise. When I told him that he wouldn't be in my class, his face fell. Then, without thinking, I assured him that I'd still see him every week. At that point, I'd made a promise I knew I had to keep.

Made it by the gym, library, and grocery store today. Got in some tan time. I told Mom that when I go to the gym, I hope to run into Brother. She then said that he commented that I talk too much at the gym. I'm floored – completely out of left field. I don't know what I said besides mentioning at sign-up that he goes there. I don't go around talking his business. Think I'll text him. Said “If you have a problem w/me, come talk to e about it. It hurts really bad for it to come through a 3^rd person.”

A sense of gloom has hung over me today. Not really sad/depressed about anything – well, til now w/Brother. I think it's the weather. I'll be glad when the sun comes back out, though I've really enjoyed wearing my hoodie. I have missed it! I felt very confident today wearing my favorite outfit – jeans, t-shirt, tennis shoes, and my beloved hoodie.

Talked to Brother. Turns out he didn't say what Momma said he'd said. He said that I talk too much when I have him on the phone, and he doesn't have that kind of patience. Brother came down to eat some chili. Before he left, he gave me a hug and told me he loves me. Made me feel a lot better.

(Originally written 8/17/13)